Work & Office jokes

Funny jokes about work or from office, profession jokes, construction jokes, .....

This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight.
She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?"
The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!"
She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?"
The doctor says, "Next time your ordered food."

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A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.
They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately.
The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job.
Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.
Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.
Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."

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A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I"m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s:
"Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
To which the worker replies:
"I"m waiting for the bus!"

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I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

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Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

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Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, " I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."

"Why, what's his new job?"
" He's an embalmer."

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There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it.
After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned.
The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table.
She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move.
The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world.
The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!!!!!!"

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I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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