Religious jokes

Funny jokes about about religion, the church, priests, nuns, ....

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."

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A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.
She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."

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If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

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A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !'

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

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Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?

A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

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Ok, so there this girl sleeping in religion class
The teaches asks the class "who is our lord and savior?"
The boy behind the girl pokes her with a pen and she screams jesus christ!
The teacher says "good, now who created the earth in seven days?"
The boy pokes the girl again, she lest "oh my god!"
The teacher says "good, now what did Eve say to Adam after their 11 child?
The boy pokes the girl one more time and the girl yells "if you poke me with that ting one more time im going to break it off!"

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Jenna, Jessica and ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.....

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Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."

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